iCub

This is just unashamed Apple fanboyism and total geekery, but I don’t care.  The Cubhouse is on the iPad!

If you want to view my blog in an even more beautiful way than the very beauty WordPress offers, load up my URL and in Safari click ‘add to home screen’, which will add an app button on your iPad.

When you load it up, it looks like a journal, and you even have to swipe it open to view the posts.  The above image is what you’ll see when you load it up, and the image below is after you swipe the blog open.

For those of you with an iPad, I’m now making it mandatory that you read me from your iPad! 

That is all!

I love you all.
Cub. xo.

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Thunder

Original site for this image.

The first thing I heard was the thunder, gentle in the distance.  A lazy, soft rain fell on the trees outside the open window, tapping and rustling the leaves.  Slowly, I knew where I was, and smiled.

Saturday morning, in bed with Cubby.

When I opened my eyes, the light was flat and grey.  It was early – 6am or so – and the storm was keeping things dark.  Cubby was lying on his back staring out the window, and the cat was for once not destroying something, and was curled up tightly by our feet.

It was a nice way to wake up.

The rest of the morning was spent lying in bed smoking and watching the storm as it intensified.  We talked, and did things that didn’t require talking.  It was our first free weekend in months, and it was nice to enjoy it.

After leaving the bed sometime in the afternoon, Cubby and I grabbed a late lunch and decided to drive up a mountain, which was particularly hair-raising at night, and with Cubby’s desire to corner at 80km/hr.  We survived, though, and we had fun.  How sad is that?

Now I’m looking out the window at work, and there’s another storm.  Only this one isn’t beautiful, and it certainly isn’t convenient.  You see, I’ve finished work, but my car is several kilometres away.  Oh well, I guess I stay put for now and listen to the thunder.  Ride out the storm, so I can go home to my Cubby.

I love you all. 
Cub. xo.

Sorry!

Original site for this image.

Firstly, let me apologise for leaving you hanging.  I wish I could tell you I was off doing something exciting and noble in Africa, but the truth of the matter is I simply forgot how to log-in to this WordPress account.

Pretty lame?  Yes, I agree.

I’m also trying to think of something exciting to tell you – after all, it’s been a long time since we spoke.  In all honesty, there’s not much going on.  Except the security guard across the room is kinda hot and he keeps smiling at me.  It’s rather distracting.

One bit of news is that my Cubby has decided to go and get himself a tertiary education.  I’m very happy about this, because he hates his job so much at the moment it puts a strain on our relationship.  He doesn’t realise that he brings his moods home with him and I have to play dodgeball with them.  Of course he has reservations about us becoming a single-income family (so do I, actually), but there are more important things to me than getting ahead quickly.  Like his happiness, and his fulfillment as a person, which I think is something he’s going to discover at university.

Though, it is going to make it hard next year for us to buy the 27-inch iMac, 15-inch MacBook Pro and the iPad that are on our wish lists.  Hm…

Stay happy, stay in touch.  I love you all.
xo cub.

Apple of Our Eyes

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A lot of great people have passed away during my life, and there are some that I will always remember.  When Princess Diana died in a Paris car crash, I was only a child, but I can remember where I was when I first heard of her passing.  As a kid, you seem to think that people of such noteriety will live forever. 

October 5, 2011 – Steve Jobs passes after a long battle with pancreatic cancer.  But what I will remember him for is not his illness, but how he literally revolutionised human interaction.

I feel as though I can’t overstate what Steve did for the world in bringing technology to the fingertips of millions of people – young, old, whatever background.  With the invention of the iPod, there was no longer a need to be tech savvy to enjoy something that was clearly a leap forward.

The iPod, the iPhone, the iPad, the Mac.  These products might not be the very best in the industry for performance, but they are incredible to use, and nothing else inspires people the way an Apple product can. 

Thank you, Steve Jobs.  Thank you for your passion and dedication to creating what amounts to more than a line-up of beautiful products.

xo cub.

Pendulum

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Oh, bloody hell!  I swear I never heard of the Cubby House before I named my blog!  In any case, it’s a bloody good read, so you should definitely check it out.

I’ve been thinking lately about how far I’ve come as a person over the last ten years, and I’m proud of it, as we all should be of our personal growth.  What I’m extremely proud of is how far I’ve come as a gay man.

When I was a kid, 16 years old, I made the decision in my mind to stay in the closet forever.  I didn’t know if it was possible, but I knew it was what I wanted.  I even went so far as to plan my life – I would marry some faceless woman, have some children; a semblence of a normal (read: heterosexual) life, and I would sleep with men on the side.

Now, obviously there is a lot wrong with this, and I regret ever thinking it, even despite my age at the time.  But what interests me now about it is that I never made provisions for emotional relationships with men – just sex. 

When I got older, I thought I had accepted myself as homosexual, and in a small way I had.  But I was suppressing so much about myself.  I was so effectively keeping my secret that I had succeeding in hiding a large portion of it from myself.  Yes, I knew I was gay, but until I came out, I had no real sexuality, just a sexual orientation.  Only when I finally did come out, did the flood gates opened.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

During my earlier years at university, I had begun to develop deeper insecurities and poor self-image.  Though low self-esteem wasn’t new to me, it did begin to take on a more substantial shape.  And why?  I had no idea.  I began to suspect that mentally, I was not completely in control any more.

One night, when out with friends, the paranoia that was becoming a permanent fixture of my personality forced me to actually tell my friends to go home and leave me alone.  When they obliged, I left the nightclub we were in and started walking toward a gay bar I knew of.  For some reason, I knew that some of the openly gay guys from my class would be there, and I wanted to be ‘found out’.  Sure enough, there were some familiar faces in the crowd.

In the months preceeding that night, I had noticed that my moods were becoming incredibly unstable.  I knew I was depressed; I would cry for no reason.  I would avoid social situations, and some days it was so hard to arrange the muscles of my face into a smile that the effort of it would make me cry. What was harder to identify were those times when I was so contented and happy.  Those days made me feel like I had a grip on things, and that just maybe my attitude today was better than yesterday.  But slowly, I began to realise that I was too happy, and for no obvious reason.  I would become effusive, energetic, and I stopped sleeping as much.  Sometimes, the stream of thought in my mind was not gently narrating to me, it was screaming at me.  But then without warning, somebody would look at me the wrong way, or they would say something with a particular inflection, and my mood came tumbling down.

I was diagnosed with cyclothymia, which I like to call ‘bipolar lite’.  It is a similar mood disorder, but less severe in its symptoms.  Normal mood does not sit static on the neutral line, with occasional dips up or down.  A normal mood is like a pendulum that constantly swings from elevated to depressed, passing through the neutral range each time it oscillates.  The only difference between a normal mood and cyclothymia is just how far or hard the pendulum swings each time it moves.  In short, the highs are high, but the lows are very low.

I’ll admit there were even times that I felt like I wanted to commit suicide.

The day after I went to the gay bar, I came out to my immediate family.  I told friends, roommates, anyone that played a role in my life, starring or cameo.  It was a tour-de-force, and in a few short days, the bandaid had been effectively torn off.  Of course, nobody cared that I was gay, and for a few brief moments I regretted waiting so long.

The interesting thing is that shortly after coming out, my moods stabilised.  I had attended talk therapy briefly, but had never been started on medication.  Without being conscious of it, my mind had finally discovered the corrupt file that was threatening it’s whole system, and had simply removed it.

When I came out, my mind was assaulted by all thoughts homosexual.  I really find it hard to describe, this phonomenon of gay preoccupation.  I feel as though I must have been suppressing so much of myself even to the extent that I didn’t allow myself to think about men and sex in any deeper context than passing thought, and whatever barriers I had created to protect myself from these thoughts came crashing down the minute I uttered my first “I’m gay”.

This post is getting extremely large, so I will save the rest for another. 

The important thing is this: If you feel as though there is something wrong with your moods, trust you instincts.  Seek help earlier than I did.  Don’t wait until your mind takes you to consider suicide before being proactive.

I love you all.

Cub. xo

Tested

Original site for this image.

It’s seriously poor form for me to start up this blog and then just abandon it, I know.  I was cruising through the interweb the other day, trying to find other gay blogs written by bears or cubs, and I don’t know if my web searching skills are just really rubbish, but I turned up pretty much nothing.  I did find one blogger who’d started his about five years ago, and hadn’t progressed past his first entry, so I don’t feel so bad. 

I did come across one blogger, however, that had an interesting premise to his blog – that he’s rubbish at ‘being gay’.  Obivously this is ridiculous, because we’re all brilliant at being gay for the simple reasons that we are gay, and that there is no definition of what a gay man should be.  But his blog is fucking hilarious – Thoughts from a Crap Gay Man.  Check it out, but don’t fall too in love with it.

 So anyway, the reason why I’ve not been around for a while is that I’ve been getting evaluated and I needed to smash some study in order to present myself as at least a half-competent doctor.  I remember exams and the trauma they used to bring with them.  I rejoice in not having to do them again.  For a while, at least.

In any case, I’m back.  I’m ready to write, but I’m feeling a little unfocussed.  I don’t have a story.  Though give me a bit of time and I’m sure, like Chelsea Handler, I can make something up involving a midget and Ketel One vodka.

I love you all, stay beautiful.

Cub. xo

Cubland

Original site for this image.

Is this a shameless attempt to spawn a readership of my own, or a shameless glorification of sexy, beefy, furry men?

Well both, of course.  Cubland is a great blog for when you want to see a little beef, a little hair, and very little of the written word.  Check it out if you want to get a little hot under the collar.

Enjoy, perv!

Cub.xo